@qweenofgreeyn - Alone

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Alone

By @qweenofgreeyn on Instagram

You spent your young adulthood assessing your childhood damage and licking your wounds. You thought you had broken free, cut the cords to your past. You were ready to choose how your life unfolded. You grabbed a buddy, a sidekick, who was as damaged and demented as you. Together you stared the future in the face and learned the lessons that you were never taught. You held each other tight as you conquered the unknown. So many struggles. So much growth. And you gathered around you others. The laughter increased as the connections grew stronger. These others, they were now with you too. They never completely understood you but you found interest in each other's differences. They lit up certain parts of your life. You held them in your heart. They were with you as you were.

You and your buddy, your sidekick, were unstoppable. You helped each other through trials of all manner. But your biggest trial, your declining health, never seemed to go away. Things got worse and confusing and it wore on the bonds that tied you together. It offset the balance of your whole relationship. Always the giver, always the nurturer; you now needed the nurturing, the patience, the support. But not everyone can withstand that kind of pressure. ‘In sickness and in health,’ once a proud declaration, became a tiresome vow. Your buddy, your sidekick, couldn't match your endurance. The stakes were higher for you. You didn't have a choice but to continue onward. But your partner weakened and crumbled and stabbed you in the heart when you needed them most.

No one had answers. Just tacky words of encouragement if you were lucky. But sadly, inevitably, many friends too drifted towards doubt or discomfort and trickled away. Your phone stopped ringing; your door stopped knocking. You didn't entirely blame them. Many doctors denied you, ignored you, labelled you ‘crazy’. Nurses laughed at you, rolled their eyes. Even EMTs turned their back on you. You took the shame. You took the blame. You took it all. You stepped off the ledge wounded, heart in hand, weakened in body, into the unknown, alone. Guided by necessity.

You didn't know you wouldn’t have control over your life. You didn't know that you'd become imprisoned in your own body and allergic to the world. But every day you have to eat it before it eats you. You have to dig deep for the strength to push through even when you're too weak to get up. Day after day the memories swim through your head and you now understand that it’s not all bad that you lost so many. No longer can you live in stagnancy and doubt. It literally makes you sick. And betrayal? Nothing but harsh lessons in compassion and fortitude. You endured. You never forgot the few ride or dies that never gave up on you, that love you no matter what, even when they don't fully understand what you're going through. Even when you can't see them that often. You give thanks for those that keep you encouraged.

Mostly, you understand why people do what they do and say what they say. You understand because you have limitations too. Different types but weaknesses nonetheless. You forgive and you love. But not the same as before. You are changed. Only you will ever fully understand the depths from which you've dragged yourself out. The traumas are imprinted on your soul. Every battle unlocks new lenses through which to view the world and its inhabitants. For better or worse.

You watch from a distance the people whose lives you once knew. Going through the milestones, raising other humans, following the prescribed course. You can't keep up. Your body won’t allow it. It’s OK though. You always knew you were different. Your mission is different than theirs. You have to befriend aloneness. Recognize its gifts even when you're crying in a puddle on the floor, even when you lay in bed wondering if the next drawn-out beat is your heart's last, even when the pain penetrates every organ, tissue and cell. You eventually get to the point that it doesn't scare you anymore. And now you embrace the ‘not-knowing’. You let go of everything. You welcome the sweet release that would end this round of suffering. But you don't force it. So far, you've pulled through, miraculously. And with gifts! A deeper understanding and compassion for others. Resiliency of will. Heightened perception to the intricate workings of your inside and outside worlds. A greater capacity for patience. The experience of oneness through complete surrender. The peace of solitude. These are gifts of aloneness. No false-reliance on others to save you. Just truth and raw, brutal being.

@qweenofgreeyn on Instagram

Full post reading by Jenni Pettican